Two Cows Does Battletech!
by The Wobbly Guy
Summary: Heard of the 'two cows' parodies of politics and business? Here's the Battletech version, by Kodiak from the CBT forums! Warning: Severe reactions, guaranteed! Enjoy!


This was originally posted by KODIAK here: http://www.tb3.org.uk/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=8095   
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Star League-ism: You have two cows. A goat takes over the barn. One cow blows up the goat's home, then fights with the goat over the barn. The goat is killed. The fighting cow leaves the farm while the other cow proceeds to systematically nuke parts of the farm for the hell of it.   
  


Rim Worlds-ism: You have two cows. They are nuked along with the rest of your nation because of what your goat did.   
  


Outworlds-ism: You have two cows. They are pacifists who also happen to be ace fighter pilots. You are invaded by Combine cows. You slice off the heads of some of the cows and drop said heads on remaining Combine cows. You still are pacifists.   
  


Taurian-ism: You have two cows. The cows openly carry nuclear weapons. No one messes with you because you will nuke their asses if they look at you sideways.   
  


MoC-ism: You have two cows. One buys rank in your military, the other tours human space as a novelty in a "pleasure circus."   
  


FRR-ism: You fight for hundreds of years for freedom for your two cows. You win freedom for you and your cows. Your cows are subsequently made Bondscows to Clan Wolf and Clan Ghost Bear. Your life sucks.   
  


St.Ives-ism: You have two cows. You commit treason. You and your cows are seen as good guys. You are also seen as an independent nation. Neither statement is true.   
  


Free Worlds-ism: You have two cows. That's it. No one cares.   
  


Lyran-ism: You have two cows. One starts a business and becomes insanely rich. The other buys rank in your military and subsequently loses three assault regiments and two worlds to a band of pirates in Locusts.   
  


Draconis-ism: You have two cows. One charges a Smoke Jaguar Dire Wolf in a Phoenix Hawk. He dies honorably and quickly. The other refuses to charge and is ordered to slice open his belly to atone for dishonor and having a brain. You are messed up.   
  


Capellen-ism: You have two cows. Your Celestial Wisdom orders them to participate in cow wave attacks against the FedSuns. You still lose half your nation.   
  


Davion-ism: You have two cows. One joins the military and is hailed as a hero. The other sits on the impoverished farm. You don't care about the second cow.   
  


ComStar-ism: You have two cows. They are neutral in all things. You have swamp land in Florida to sell if I buy the neutral thing.   
  


WoB-ism: You have two cows. They walk around in robes with math symbols. Everyone makes fun of the cows. The cows nuke everyone.   
  


FedCom-ism: You have two cows. One can't fight but is rich. One fights expertly, but is poor. Instead of working together, your cows blame each other for their faults and fight a war with each other.   
  


Wolf-ism: You have two cows, distantly related. Both are ********, one has a good PR agent. They beat the crap out of each other and sit in opposite corners of the room, refusing to speak to each other.   
  


Falcon-ism: You have two cows. One gets his entire Cluster killed by a guy with an physically impossible explosion. The other kills the best Mechwarrior in human space with a jump jet to the head. People can't decide if you are munchy or unlucky.   
  


Jaguar-ism: You have two cows. Both are ******** who like to massacre civilians. You are surprised when everyone comes after your cows and blows them apart.   
  


Ghost Bear-ism: You have two cows. You have good PR. Everyone sees the cows as nice. They ignore the fact the cows threaten massacres more often than the Jaguar cows.   
  


Viper-ism: You have two cows. Both are super-elite. You exist to lose to the Falcon cows. Sorry.   
  


Raven-ism: You have two cows. They can't fight their way out of a paper bag on the ground. Good thing you won't let anyone reach the ground.   
  


Scorpion-ism: You have two cows. Both are stoned.   
  


Cobra-ism: You have two cows. They are almost as messed up as the Scorpion cows, just without the drugs. What was that Marx said about religion being opium?   
  


Nova Cat-ism: You have two cows. They see things more than the Scorpions do, without the drugs.   
  


Adder-ism: You have two cows. They build an insane army and navy. They just sit there, doing nothing.   
  


Coyote-ism: You have two cows. Both are perceived as losers. You build a lot of new equipment. You are still seen as losers.   
  


Spirit-ism: You have two cows. They sit at home and talk to no one.   
  


Mandrill-ism: You have two cows. They fight with each other more than with anyone else. People ignore you.   
  


Shark-ism: You have two cows. Both are part of a warrior society that disdains everything else. Both cows still focus on money.   
  


Horse-ism: You have two cows. They follow combined arms doctrine. People drop Inferno IV missiles on your cows and have ribs for a month   
  


Hellion-ism: You have two cows. One has a temper tantrum and is ridiculed by all others. The other cow only fights to the first hit thinking that alone determines the victor, he is quickly destroyed by enemy cows.   
  


MERC-ism: You have 2 cows, 1 steals from his employers, cheats on his contract, hide salvage and use loopholes to end their service early. The other cow picks up the contract, swears he wont default, does a good job but charges 3 times the price... both cows meet later and have a bar bee Q.

Pirate-ism: You have two cows. Now you have no cows. See? Should have invested more into anti-pirate cow defense.   
  


The Nice Guy

PS. The rest of my stuff is still on the way, though I'm dying of quantum mechanics right now…


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